Why did God create pain?

If you read my blogs about bullies, you know that I have been bullied since kindergarten, and am still today. And I wondered why I was going through this, why God was putting me though this. And for the longest time, I thought that either ( a ) He didn’t exist,or ( b ) he hated me.

And so then for years, I’ve been asking God why am I bullied, why was I put on this planet, why am I crying, and in pain. But I didn’t get an answer for a really long time.But then one night, I wrote a poem, about bullying.

I am human
I am alive
I am somebody

I have a heart
I have a lung
I am somebody

I have feelings
I have ears
I am somebody

I have a chance
I have a voice
I am somebody

 

And so then I posted that on a facebook group, for anti-bullying, called, “Stand for the silent.” and 50 people liked it and some commented on it.

And so then about a week later, I wrote another,

You hit me, and I'm silent.
But on the inside, I am crying,
You make my world so violent
So much, I feel like dying

Those words you say to me,
I say I hear nothing, but I'm lying
Why can't you just leave me be,
as my tears are drying

And now I realize,
That I can use this body
To bring this society to equalize,
Because I am somebody.

Then, on this poem, 70 people liked it, 70! And this one even had even MORE comments, and one of them was when I realized, why God made me bullied, why was I put on this Earth.

my Dear you have a gift putting your thoughts and feelings into Words to Format a Poems is useful and also helpful in not only your healing but also in others..Brilliant...ImL

That’s what the person commented on the poem said. The lmL is a text symbol, just like <3 is a heart, lmL is a peace sign. the l is your pinky, the m is you ring and middle finger, and the L is your pointer finger and your thumb.

I do believe that the disasters that happen to us, do mean something. Taylor Swift once said that she was bullied as a kid, and she should actually thank those bullies, because if she never was bullied, then she wouldn’t write songs.

Girl Up!

So I was looking around youtube, and I found a video of Victoria Justice (Victoria from Victorious) Talking about this program called, “Girl up”

Girl Up is about inspiring other girls in developing countries to follow their dreams. Whether that be to be a doctor, a lawyer, or a pilot, they are most of the time unable to follow their dreams. Whether that be from low levels of enrollment in school, high levels of child marriage and way too many girls facing health risks from pregnancy and early child birth.  So this charity makes money, to have these girls that cannot afford their education.

I’ve been trying to watch videos more about this girl up charity, and one of them was about a conference. One of the main supporters, is actually a man. And he was saying that in England, his grandma did not want to have an arranged marriage, that she was forced to. So she walked out, and left them. And her family never talked to her again, they took her out of their lives. And also, she was the first women to drive a car, because back then only guys were driving.

I found this video on youtube, and it’s one of my favorites. It pretty much sums up what I’m trying to say, here. And you should visit www.girlup.org.

House of Straw

You know the story of the three little pigs? You know, where the wolf blows down the house of straw, then the house of sticks, and then he tries to blow down the house of bricks, but can’t? I am the house of straw. I live and breath, just like you do. But I get blown down easily, and I burn. I feel like crying when somebody laughs at me, when I do nothing funny. I burn up when I hear an ugly rumor about me. I get so hurt so easily, and I feel like dying. I am a walking, breathing, house of straw, and I burn easily.

A Thousand Years- Music Video Review from Christina Perri

I am a big fan of Christina Perri, she is one of my favorite musical artists ever, (she’s tied to Demi Lovato) and I found my newest favorite song/music video, A Thousand Years.

This is made for the newest Twilight Saga movie, Breaking Dawn, that is coming out in late November. Christina Perri specifically wrote this for the movie, because that was her biggest goal for this year, is to have one of her songs in one of the Twilight movies. And she did accomplish that goal, and she did it beautifully.

I think the music video was beautifully done. I love the beginning with her with the one candle in her hands. I think that was the perfect beginning for this song, and it really shows her true, natural beauty as the candle flickers the light upon her face.

And I also love the room full of candles, and the end, when she was facing the ocean at sunset.

At first when I saw the last scene with the ocean, I thought that it was rose petals, and then I thought it was leaves, but then I found out that for sure that it was actually feathers.

I could have not have the scenes from the movie in there, but I guess they have to be since that’s what she did the music for. But I wish that they would have maybe put those scenes in black and white, mostly at the part of the wedding, because that’s the part where she’s in the room with all of the candles, and it’s blue because of the windows. And then when they switched to the wedding clips, then it’s almost like the colors slapped me because it was just so bright, and kind of color, especially compared to that blue room. I wish that they would have made that part black and white, but then at the kissing scene then they would have make it fade into color, to add drama to the music video, and to add kind of a “This is going to be a really good ending” feeling.

But over all a really great song, a really great music video, and I love it to death, and I hope you do too.

The Meaning of Life

One of my friends put as their facebook status, “What is the meaning of life?” a couple people commented on it. One of them put, “Glorify God and know Him.” and the other put, “God and Marshmallows” but some people think differently.

I asked my friend BTR (I disguised her name) and then she asked me back, “funny or serious?” and I told her back, “whatever you think” and so she did both, the serious one, “to be successful, and make your life the best you can. (i really don't know haha)” and the second, and silly one,  “TO FANGIRL OVER JAMES AND LOGAN.” (Big Time Rush singers of a band, also actors in a TV show)

I asked another friend, Musical, (again, disguised her name) the same question, and she answered, “To learn and grow in what you do”

I asked another friend, Beautifully Short, the same thing, and she said, “make everyday an adventure”

I yet asked another friend, Jesca, and she said, “hard question” then she continued, “Everyone has a different opinion, but my opinion is life is the challenge to fulfill the urge to live, living life fulfilling dreams, making it through the hard and sad even the bad times in life, looking for the happy good times everyone hopes to find. Its difficult, but you either going to let yourself fail. Its a challenge on our part to see our strength and weaknesses unleashed”

I agree with Jesca, it is different for everyone, my opinion is to live to the fullest, and die happy.

But I think the overall meaning of life is to find out what life is about, and do it however you can. I’m pretty sure that Mother Theresa’s meaning of life is to try to help as many people as possible. I’m pretty sure that Michael Jackson’s meaning of life is to live life to the fullest, and don’t let anything stop you. I’m pretty sure Hitler’s meaning of life is to rule the world. It’s different for everyone.

Lines

I remember when I was in fifth or sixth grade, that I helped make care kits for breast cancer victims. It was in the mall, right in the center, and there were three sets of tables, each one of them had the same thing; bags, cards, shampoo, other health products, and just pamphlets about breast cancer. We were making kits, you just grab a bag, and put each thing in a bag as you go down the assembly line. I was at the mall just for that, making kits. And so we started, and it was hard to tell how many people were helping, because some people were staying, and some people were going. But in ten minutes, I think we made a world record. We made 200 kits in just 10 minutes! 200! That’s huge, and impressive.

It’s amazing what you could do if you just work together.

Christmas

What ever happened to Halloween and Thanksgiving? In some places, it seems like it just packed it’s bags and left the country. My biology teacher was complaining today about how WalMart has a lot of Christmas decorations up, Christmas trees up, all decorated with lights and decorations. And when I look down the road, I see that some people have their Christmas decorations, up and lighted. And when me and my sister went to pick up my niece from dance class, inside of the building, there was a Christmas tree.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday, but if you celebrate it too much, it’s not as exciting. There’s no more glimmer in the air like there was two months ago, before Halloween. I usually start singng Christmas songs to myself in the first few days of Christmas, and my friends tell me it’s crazy to be singing those songs that early.

ABC’s 25 days of Christmas is starting early this year. If you do not know what that is, it’s where ABC network plays Christmas movies for 25 days… well, I guess not. This year it’s starting the 20th, of November! That’s before Thanksgiving! More like 35 days of Christmas.

Christmas is getting annoying if it starts in the middle of October.

Frenemy

What is a frenemy? That’s how one of my friend’s poems started out that she read in scribblerz today. And it got me wondering… what is a frenemy? Well, friend is someone who encourages you and inspires you. And an enemy wishes the worst for you. So, what’s a frenemy? Is it someone who seems like they’re encouraging you but secretly wishes the worst for you? Or is it someone who seems like they wish the worst for you, but secretly wants to encourage you? Is it neither? Or is it both? Is it one, or the other? Is a frenemy just a word that no one can describe? Is it just a word in the universe made to just confuse people? Is it just a word, used to differ who the smart or the dumb people are? What is it? Who is it? Where is it? Do they know you personally, and wants to tell the world all your secrets? Do they live with you? Do you trust them? Or do you hate their guts, thinking they’re an enemy, but in reality, they are your frenemy?

Teachers

I used to be best friends with teachers. I used to know about their lives, their homes, their family. I know, I sound like a stalker. But I had to one to play with or talk to on the playground, so I would talk to the janitors and teachers on recess duty. I never did have any of them for one of my teachers, so it was weird. But they were my best friends, in Elementary school.

Then in middle school it was the same thing, but we weren’t really close. We only had one recess for about ten minutes after lunch. And I made my first friends! And so, sometimes if we had lunch together, then we would talk. But if we didn’t have lunch together, then I would just talk to the teachers, but not that often, they really didn’t care like the Elementary teachers did.

I would become friends with my homeroom teachers, although I do not remember my seventh grade teacher at all, I don’t even remember if it was a girl or a boy. But anyways, in homeroom I didn’t really have any friends in there, although my two friend’s last name started in the same letter as mine, so you would think that we were together, but they arranged our homerooms weird, I think they did it at random. So I would talk to the teacher to entertain myself.

And then there were the teachers from the special ed room. (I wrote this in a blog a while ago, but I cannot remember the title) I would help the special ed every morning, and the teachers in there I got really close to.

But then in high school, it all changed. I only made a few teacher friends last year, and none this year. The teachers I became kind of friends with, I really didn’t get to know them, but they got to know me. One of my teachers was my English teacher. She became our sponsor, the teacher in charge of the club, in scribblerz. Scribblerz is a club that my friend made, and I helped kind of. We revise our poems, and short stories, and at the end of the year we published a book with our selected masterpieces. It’s still going on, in fact we’re having a meeting today.

And my other teacher friend I became friends with last year was Ms. Malsom, she was awesome. She was my reconnecting youth teacher, or RY we called it. RY is a class where you learn anger management, and depression, and things like that, and you actually get a credit from it! Ms. Malsom also worked at a women and children shelter, and when their cookies pass the “sell by" date, she would take them and we would eat them. And there was a lot. But she wasn’t supposed to give us that stuff, so when a principle came she would hide it. But since that class was made to help with depression, we all learned about each other, and she learned about us. Unfortunately she got laid off this year, and haven't seen her since.

And then another person I made friends with was not a teacher, but a janitor. He cleans out the garbage everyday after school, and so I see him every time at scribblerz. I wave to him whenever I see him  in the hallway, and we stop and chat a little bit, if we have time. If we don’t have time, we just say something like, “What’s up?” or something like that….

But this year I don’t think that I will make any teacher friends. I just havn’t  been very open into talking to them as I had in the past. I just feel like most of them don’t care, probably because most of the people here don’t really care to become kind of close to teachers. Most of the students (and some of the teachers….) make fun of my last year’s English teacher, the sponsor for scribblerz, because she belly dances. But it’s pretty much the same for them, I don’t really like seeing them make out in the hallway.

Bleached

One time several years ago, I saw a documentary about African Americans bleaching their skin, to look white. I was pretty shocked, and hopefully not going on any more.

You should love for who you are, not what you want to be. If everyone was the same race, same hair color, and same facial features, this would be one boring world. Sure, you can dye your hair once in a while, wear makeup, and stuff like that, but you shouldn’t do it to be permanent, forever.

But strangely I do agree that you can put tattoos on your body. But only what you want, and no body else should tell you what to get and where. Tattoos is like a framed picture on your bedroom wall, except you can never take it down.

Anyways, be yourself, with your heart, voice, and appearance, and rock on.

Dance

I was in dance classes for a while, even though now I almost never dance. But I was in dance while I was about 5, and got out when I was 8. That was ballet.

And then in 8th grade, I signed up for the high school dance team. I know that I was in middle school, but that’s where we went for dance class. I remember it was 30 dollars a month, and we practiced every Wednesday at 6.

I did have one performance, and then a few weeks after that, was my last practice. While the teacher wasn’t looking, some of the girls were asking me questions like do I have any friends, and why are they my friends, and that why am I still living. So that was my last practice, I quit.

I didn’t tell the dance teacher that I quit, I never really talked to her, period. But then a few weeks later, I got a call from her, asking me what happened. And so I told her, and never told anyone again, until now.

Zombie Unicorn Hat

Haha, I know, funny topic, and this is going to be a pretty short blog.

Okay, so I was just looking at a video by the vlogbrothers, and then John Green made me severely jealous, with a zombie hat. He said someone made it for him… and I want one. Can somebody help me? I can do the hat and zombie part, but I need a unicorn horn. Does anybody have any suggestions? If so, comment below BAHHH… I’m a sheep

Perfect

One time, on facebok, I saw as my friend’s status, “I try to be perfect”  And so then I kind of got mad at her, and so then I commented on it, “perfect isn’t cool” well, then later I found out that it was a song lyric…

I am kind of a perfectionist, but only on school projects. I think of this as both a blessing and a curse. Blessing, because I will probably get an A on the project, and a curse because I might not get it done on time. Every line has to be perfect, and every staple has to be perfectly placed. Nothing can be on the paper, besides the printed ink that I printed out. When I have to draw lines, I have to get out a ruler, and carefully draw the perfectly black line with a marker.

Dead Butts

Cigarette butts, drowning in black water, as it soaks in poison. Poison, that kills you. Black, smoked tar slides down your slimy throat, and dances on your lung, killing you slowly.  Killing you, and everyone that you love in the pain of how could you do this to yourself, how you could harm yourself like this. Suicide. Just like jumping off a building, or choking yourself with pills, but more painful and slowly. Suicide. You could have stopped it, but now it’s too late. Your dead. Dead with poison. Dead as a stick. Dead as dead. Dead. Dead with the same poison that killed hundreds of thousands more people, with their deadly smoke, committing suicide, over the centuries, over the world. You could have stopped this. You could have stopped this deadly poison from entering your body, down your throat. You could have stopped killing yourself. But now you’re gone, and now it’s too late to stop.

Heaven

My friend’s mom left this planet we call Earth in January, two days after her birthday. (if you want to see my friend’s blog, here’s the link http://mairea.wordpress.com/) And she will always miss her mom, and will be thinking about her. And sometimes on facebook, my friend puts as her status how she wishes that she can tell her mom something, or how she wishes that she can show her something.

I believe that once someone dies, if they believe in Jesus and God, and have a faith in them, they will go to heaven. And in heaven, then they watch you, and listen to you. They hear what your thinking, and know what you are doing. They hear you wishing that they are there, but the truth is, they are. They see you and know you want to show them your homecoming dress, hair, and makeup, but they do see all that. They know all the bad things your thinking about yourself, and wishes that they could come back down and cheer you up. They see you pouring down tears, wishing that you can see each other again, and she gives you a warm hug, even though you don’t feel it, but it’s there. They miss you, and wish that both of you can feel each other’s warmth, as your hearts beat together, as one. They see you think, say, do everything you do, and they will always be there, even if it feels like they aren’t.

Throughout my life

(sorry this is late, I wrote it but it seems it never published :P)
I got my idea from my friend Maire, you can read her blog here http://mairea.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/2-for-1/
Okay, so I'm going to write what happened in my life, with only a word, phrase, or sentance describing each one.
Year 1- Birth, duh.
Year 2- Nothing really happened... just normal stuff I guess
Year 3- Um... went down a hill with a life-size toy car, I guess.
Year 4- 2nd year of preschool...
Year 5- KINGDERGARTEN
Year 6- My aunt tried to kidnap me... never seen her alive since.
Year 7- Went to Colorado for vacation
Year 8- Had my first Birthday Party!
Year 9- Um... quit swimming lessons I guess.
Year 10- Last year of Elementary School :D
Year 11-Remember that Aunt that tried to kidnap me, yeah, she died, and I also met Alissa
Year 12- Became really good friends with Alissa.
Year 13- Had my 3rd birthday party (my second was in Year 11, but I couldn't fit it)
Year 14- Had a small holloween party
Year 15- HIGH SCHOOL
Year 16- Um... I've only been here for about a month, so... I guess had another birthday party

Stay Strong

I logged into facebook this morning, with tons of statuses saying that someone’s a bitch and that they should die. Sure, they might did something mean and ugly to you, but that doesn’t mean that you should do the same to them. When you fight fire with fire, all it does is make a bigger fire. And we don’t want it to show, we want it to shrink and disappear.

Plus, when you call them that, you are just like them. You are brought down to their level, which is not where you want to be. I don’t care if they stole your boyfriend, or you’re just mad at them because you are wearing the same dress to homecoming, or if they are low enough to call you those things, you do not need to fight back.

Just ignore it, and stay strong. If you just leave it alone, then eventually the fire will just burn itself out.

King

He loves singing and dancing. He’s in multiple choirs, in flags, and cheerleading. He’s friends with many people, including the girls. But a lot of people think he’s gay, and he doesn’t care. That never stopped him from being himself.

Now he is Homecoming King, and loved by most. A lot of people say hello to him in the hallways, as so do I.

He is my friend. I’ve known him since I was in sixth grade, four years ago. I’ve got to know him in my Sunday school class, and my youth group. We aren’t the best of friends, but we say hello to each other in the hallway, and I feel lucky enough to do that.

Depression

It’s a killer, and it stabs you in your heart, and poisons your brain. It makes you be a bully, not to anyone necessarily, but to yourself. “Worthless, forgotten, fat, ugly, stupid” these are just some of the words that the poison does to you; as it swallows your soul.

I have been depressed for most of my life, and now I’m healed. But right now I two friends that are depressed. They may be reading this right now, they might not. There’s no way of knowing. But one of them, is just over stressed about everything, after her grandpa passed away last March. Then her grandma got a disease, that causes her to forget a lot, and to get mad.

But my other friend  think is just overly stressed as well, but also has the poison in her brain, and knife in her heart. And I really do believe that she’s bleeding. I believe that she’s actually so depressed, she might seriously hurt herself someday, on purpose.

I think I have a blessing and a curse, I care too much about people. I worry a lot about them. If they are missing, I worry about them. I think about the worst that’s happening. I can’t stop thinking about them until I know they’re safe. Sometimes I even cry because I’m worrying about them.

Chemo

In science (which I strangely love) Photo means light, and Chemo, means dark. And also, ography, means the study of light. So, photography means, the study of light. And therapy means to try to heal someone.

So chemotherapy is an attempt to heal someone, with darkness. Dark, sounds kind of scary. With all the memories of when you were younger, and monsters lived in the dark. Chemotherapy has the same fear as it did when your young, a monster living the the dark, only instead of saying “Boo” it says “Cancer”

You probably know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. (And if you didn’t, where have you been in the past month?) I know a couple people that have meet breast cancer, one has fought and won the battle, and the other currently fighting it.

The women that has won the battle is one of my best friends, and she’s near her 90’s. She goes to church with me, her name is Nancy. Chemotherapy makes you loose your hair, and all of your hair falls off. (Well, look at the bright side, you don’t have to shave!) Nancy never really grew her hair back, just a few hairs on her head, so she usually wears hats.

And the other women, who is currently fighting the battle, is one of my friend’s mothers. I met her, and my friend at Annual Conference, and didn’t really interact with her. This strong women is currently a pasture, so my friend is a PK (Pastor’s Kid) as many of the other pages were. I remember sitting at lunch, with all of the other pages, and then my friend said, “If you see a bald later, can you tell me?” and some of them laughed, and was like, “Bald?” and laughed some more. Then she said, “yeah, that’s my mom.” then one of the pages asked, “Why is she bald?” then my friend goes, “She has breast cancer and has to go through chemo” Then that’s when everyone was quiet, and respectful.

It is estimated that 230,480 women will be diagnosed with and 39,520 women will die of cancer of the breast in 2011, according to National Cancer Institute. That’s a big number, really sad and depressing number.

I remember when I was younger, for a girl scout project we made special pillows, made for breast cancer survivors. These pillows were rounded, kind of like the pillows that so around your neck. But these pillows were to go under their arms, after they get part of their boob chopped off, getting rid of their cancer, hopefully. And it would hurt, and so they would put that pillow right underneath their armpit, and help support, and help it from hurting.

One of my favorite artists on youtube, Callie Moore, wrote a song last year, called October. It’s about cancer, and how much you love and miss them if they lost in battle. Her own mother passed away in October when Callie and her other sisters were pretty young. And she channeled her pain of the loss of her mother in this song.

This is the song