Quick Goodbye

Hey, just letting you know that this will probably going to be my last blog, because someone told me I can’t blog about my life anymore. So I’ll leave this up for about 2 weeks, then delete all of my blogs, and maybe my account with it. So, goodbye.

12-3-11

I have decided to write a blog, hopefully everyday, with the day at the title, and just talk about how my day was, what I’m thinking, what I ate, ect.

I have decided doing this because a lot of my blogs have a title, but only one maybe two paragraphs have to do with that topic, and the rest is just rambling.

Probably the thing most that people are confused about is why I do starve myself. People have been commenting on my blogs and stuff saying that starving myself is not the way to lose weight. But let me tell ‘ya, it’s not only the losing weight part is why I do starve myself, there are many different reasons why I do it. The loosing weight part is just a plus. But I also starve myself because I don’t think that I deserve to eat, a lot of people have gone through just to take it to my plate, from the place they make it, to the shipping, to the putting it on the shelves, and to the cooking, and then too my plate, just too much work just to put something in my stomach, might as well throw it away in the garbage, because I really do truly believe that I’m a waste of space.

Okay, so now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I hope people will understand now that I am not only starving myself for the weight, but also because I just don’t think that I deserve it.

I’m confused. Because up at the voting thing up there, it says that 13 people have voted on it, and that number climbs every once in a while. I only know four of those people, one of which I know put, “This is my first time” because I gave her the link for the first time that day. So that means that there are 9 other people, who I don’t know who they are, reading my blogs, most of them read every time a new blog comes up. I think I know two of those people, someone called Joya or something like that, because she commented on one of my blogs, I believe it’s the naked trees one. And then I think the other one is my Cousin Tanya, because one time she inboxed me on facebook saying that she noticed I’ve been feeling down, and to stay strong. I don’t think I left any obvious things as my status about my depression. So that’s why I think that she just saw one of my blogs I wrote a while ago as my status, probably the one about what is the meaning of life.

My dad has been very irritating today. He tried to touch my feet, which I do not like. I asked him politely to stop, and he didn’t so he pissed me off and I walked away from my nice comfy couch, all nice and warm, watching TV

Then later, I made mac and cheese me me, my mom, and my sister, while my dad and my other sister went to see “Christmas at the Orpheum”  Before he left, he told us that after we are done with the mac and cheese, to don’t leave the pot on the stove. But we (or I guess I) left it there, it’s my fault. I had 1/2 a bowl, and then after that my mom went up for seconds. I should have put it in the sink, it’s my fault. It’s my fault that I went into the game room, instead of taking care of that pan. It’s my fault. Anyways, when he got home, he was complaining how they ( I ) left the pan on the stove, and that whenever he gets home there are always problems.

I feel that most of those, if not all, are my fault. It’s all of my fault that I didn’t take care of that pan, even though my sister and mom got seconds after me, and it’s my fault that I’m upset all of the time. It’s my fault that our money is tight right now. I heard that for people to live, you have to pay at least 10,000 dollars a year to live comfortably in America, with food, and clothes, and the furniture, and just everything all together. If I wasn’t alive, then that would be an extra 10,000 dollars a year for my family, and they wouldn’t be so broke, they would be able to pay for the x-box 360, and a laptop for my sisters, and just a whole ton of stuff. They would live happier. Barely anyone acknowledges me here anyways. They don’t realize me in the room as they turn off the lights.I just feel like I’m invisible, like no one appreciates me, and no one wants to listen to me, and sit down, and actually figure out what’s going on, and ask me how was my day without me lying to them every day. I want a lot a things that I want from my family, that I just don’t get. I want respect for the things I say and do. I want respect of my opinion. But I just don’t feel like I get that here. I feel like I don’t belong. One of my sisters doesn’t care what I do, she doesn’t care that I am pretty much like a mother to her daughter, or her dog, or her cat.

I want everything to be close to equal. I want to feel like I’m not the least favorite, like my life is a mistake. I want to actually have a pet, like my first two siblings did. I want to actually have a winter coat, because I don’t have one. I even want nice deodorant, like my sister. She has the nice smelling, easy-smoothing deodorant that you see all the time in commercials and ads, instead of the cheap, crusty, 2-dollar deodorant that smells like grandmas.

I want my mom to care enough about me to read my blogs, I know that she knows I have one. I even want some of my teachers, and my therapist to read my blogs. (my therapist probably will…) for them to understand the pain I’m going through, to let them know why I’ve been so down lately, to let them know why I just really don’t want to do my work anymore. I want them to care enough to know those things. I want them to read them, every time a new blog comes up. It’s easier to write these things than to say them. Maybe they will realize how much pain I’ve been going through, and how much I’ve been suffering, after I’m gone.

Dear Friend

This blog is made for a person in particular, a friend of mine. I’m pretty sure that you will read this, and I’m pretty sure that you know who you are.

I just wanted you to know that I do read your emails and your blogs, and I know that you are very concerned of me. I know I’ve been annoying and non-social able lately, but I haven't been feeling the greatest. I read every single email that you send me, and I get emails whenever you publish a new blog, so I’m covered there too. I know that you wrote a blog kind of similar to this, and I don’t think that you know that I read your blogs, or your emails, or your comments, but I do, I read every single one of them. I check my email at least four times a day to see if you wrote me an email. I know that I have been very suborn lately, and not been answering and replying to your emails, but a lot of it is because I can’t think of anything to say besides okay.

You, and a few other people know that I do not believe people when they tell me that I’m beautiful and not a waste of space, but for me it’s like that someone tells you that two plus two equals six, not four, but six. So, you see, it’s very hard for me to believe people that try to complement me on how I look/my talents, I always say thanks, but I don’t believe them. 

I was right

You know how that in my last blog, “Taking a Break” how that I am going to try to talk my mom into not letting me go to the girl scout Christmas party today? I was right. She did make me go, and I was right how I thought that I would have a hard time with it. But she said after today I can take a long break from girl scouts.

Okay, so when we first got there, I didn’t want to, and so I just sat on the stage that was in the room, and just watched them from above, until it got started about half an hour later. Then I helped a group of girls go through activities, and the first half I was thinking to myself, “Okay, this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be” and so then it was lunch time, and I kinda upset because I ate my food. But I didn’t cry, no matter how hard it was not to.

But then I was helping the little kids make the lid part for brownie in a jar (a jar with the dry ingredients for brownies, you just add the wet ingredients like eggs and stuff, and then you bake and your done.) But then the person in charge told me to go help then put the stuff in the jars. And I guess she just blew my concentration, because when I went to the next table, I started listening to the voice inside of me, the voice that used to be Josh. And my eyes started watering, and so then I told my mom that I was going to go outside to take a break.

And so I stood outside, with only my sweatshirt (I need to buy a coat…) and just stood in the snow and sleet, and cried. Silently, but I cried.

Twenty minutes later I thought that they needed me kind of, and so then I went in, and I thought I was done crying, but I wasn’t. I continued. And I tried to find work to do, while walking around, brushing my tears off my face for a while. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop listening to myself. And I guess my mom thought that I was just hurting, like physically, not emotionally. Because I asked for pain reliever earlier for my headache (which I have about 2-3 times a day) And so she told me that Bobbi had some pain reliever, and she can give me some if I asked. But I didn’t ask, because she looked busy. But then a few moments later, she called my name, and signaled me go to over there, and so I did, and she did nothing. I thought that she was signaling for me to work, but to tell you the truth, I could barley see because my eyes were blurry from crying. And so then I just sat down, and let my tears fall. I noticed people staring at me, I was probably there crying for about half an hour. But no one really asked me what’s wrong until later. And of course, being the selfish liar I am, I said, “yeah, I’m okay” And they just kept walking.

I felt so ashamed of being there. Especially crying. I thought that the other workers were mad at me that I was sitting, but my hair in front of my face hid my tears. I felt embarrassed, that I was crying. All of my life, especially from teachers, and PE teacher in Elementary school, whenever I cried, they told me to shut up, and stop crying, crying is for babies, and that I should stop acting like one. That’s why I feel so embarrassed crying, because I thought that no body cared if I was crying or not, and if they did care, they just wanted me to shut the fuck up and stop. But that’s how I grew up.

Taking a break

It’s almost one in the morning, and I cannot sleep. So I decided to blog. I have a little less than 63% battery on this stupid netbook of the schools, so hopefully I have enough time to type until I can fall asleep.

Tomorrow is a girl scout Christmas party- and I don’t want to go. I usually help with girl scout stuff, volunteer to teach songs and make crafts, and usually I do enjoy it, but I am not in the mood to be in a room with about 40 little girls, I don’t even want to be in a room with 10 people, period. I feel that there are too many people judging me, and watching every move I do.

I am hoping I can talk my mom into not letting me go tomorrow, but she’ll probably make me. I want to take a break with all this girl scout volunteering stuff and just spend time enjoying myself, like writing blogs or painting my nails, you know, heal what has been broken.

But like I said, she will probably make me go tomorrow. But I’m scared. I’m scared that in order from me taking a break from girl scouts is if I really tell her what’s going on, that it’s not people, it’s myself.

Josh is pretty much gone now, it’s now just myself that’s telling myself those things. I pretty much just gave up the fight, and let Josh win over what I know. I don’t think that all that stuff about me being fat, and ugly, and just a waste of space isn’t really an opinion. I don’t think that I am really fighting Josh, with me whispering in the background over his screams, “no your not” Josh has eaten me. Josh has eaten that whisper in the background. That voice is gone. I know really truly know that I am ugly, and I am fat, and that I am a waste of space, just like I know that most of the time the sky is blue, and that two plus two equals four.

It amazes me about how much stuff I think about. And how many people that actually do know me, doesn’t know about my battle with depression. They just think I’m okay. I say I’m okay, and fine, and pretty good, but I lie. I lie all of the time; at least once a day. I hate that question, “how are you?” I mean, what am I supposed to say to that every time someone asks, “Oh, pretty crappy, I just found out that I’m diagnosed with depression and PTSD, how about you?” I would rather lie than say that, creates less of a scene, plus people will think that I’m a whore, because I want attention.

I have thought about cutting my wrists, but I haven’t done it yet. But that’s one of the reasons why I need to take a break from girl scouts is because if I go through that, then I’ll want to hurt myself more than just putting my belt on at the last hole, and starving myself. I do those things and so I can feel pain, but the good kind of pain. Like the kind of pain so that you actually can feel something for a change, instead of just being numb.

I wonder what would happen if any of my teachers would see my blogs, what will they do? Will they treat me nicer and get me better grades because of it? Or will they just forget about it, or will they just think that I’m a whinney twit face that just needs to grow up?

Diagnosed

I forgot to tell you from my earlier blogs from today: I've been diagnosed with two things when I saw the therapist today: Depression, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD for short.
PTSD is a disorder where you get flashbacks and nightmares of something horrible (either something that happened once or over and over agian) has happened to you in the past, in my case, bullying.  Avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal– such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. I have almost all of those symptoms. I do have flashbacks and nightmare, I do have problems going to sleep, and I try to shut myself from people as best as I can.
Some of my friends might have realised that inside of school, especially during class, I am shy, and quiet. But outside of school (or at least how I used to be) I was loud and outgoing. That's because I am terrified of trying to make new friends, and that's probably why I don't have very many, is because unless they are left out of the group, then we barely even look at each other, let alone talk to each other. I do not like working in other groups together, because I have past expiriances where they either say no and laugh at me, or if they say yes, they usually make me do all the work, either that or not let me do any of it.
We have also talked about anti-depressant pills, and the therapist did explain that it doesn't make you really happy, it just kinda makes you sleep easier if you have trouble sleeping (In my case, I do) and that she does not recommend having to just be on anti-depressants. She said that we will try the Therapy for a while, and if that still doens't work, then we will put me on anti-depressants.
I have asked for a therapist before, I have asked for one since the sixth grade. But all my dad says is that they won't help me at all, and all they'll do is tell me to fucking live with depression, it's a waste of money. And I don't know if he knows I'm going through therapy, my mom filled out the paper work. And I really do not hope that we have to pay for it, that it will be covered by the insurance, because if we do have to pay, I probably can't have it since it's "a waste of time and money" and that means no anti-depressant pills, and that will probably, in the end, no more life.
I have thought about suicide before, I've thought about it for a really long time. I've had a plan of how I was going to die, how I was going to be burried, even what day of the week that I prefer it on, and what song they'll play at my funural. I've thought of it all. But there are two things that are holding me back right now, one, is Christmas. I do not want to die around Christmas time and then for the rest of my family's and friend's lives, they're whole Christmas will be ruined because every single year they'll think, "Oh, my sister died today two years ago" or "Oh, my best friend died today twenty years ago"
And then the other thing that is holding me back is one paricular friend. I know that she is worried about me, and I also know that she is basically thinking of me 24/7. I also know that she really does care about me, and she really does want me to fight depression, so far that she was willing enough to plan my kidnapping and take me to the councilor (which didn't go as planned, but it still worked) and I know that if I do commit suicide, she will never forgive herself. I know that she will blame herself for my suicide. I know that she will live the rest of her life thinking, "I should of done this" or "I should have done that". And have that feeling of regret and resentment haunting her for the rest of her life.

More about today

There are a few things that I forgot to tell you from my last blog, so since I have time, I’m going to tell you them.

So at the girl’s circle, I got a bag full of presents. It’s a pretty good bag too, it’s one of those stringed ones, but it has a couple water-bottle holders, and a pocket in the front. The bag, and almost everything it, is sponsored, and has logos on them. My bag says good-will on it, and I have a few pens and pencils that have one, and a little tiny cute notebook with the mall’s logo on it. The only thing that doesn’t have a logo on it, is a folder, those folders that you can pin paper in.

Another thing that I forgot to mention is what I ate yesterday. I had: a pudding cup, potato soup, a frozen burrito, and a brownie. And all I can say to myself when I say, write, or read that stuff, is fat, fat, fat. I haven’t eaten anything today yet, and this time I want to try my hardest to stick to my plan: Only dinner.

Therapy

Today was my first day of therapy, well, kinda. My real therapist was supposed to be here on Tuesday, but I was informed (today, in first block) that she has cancer, and she was getting a surgery. So today they had a replacement therapist, just to talk to me and tell me what’s up with my real therapist.

And now I’m at lunch, no one is forcing me to eat. My stomach is hurting in pain, but a good kind of pain, because at least I feel something, instead of nothing.

Anyways, I was basically in class for about 20 minutes tops. And we have block scheduling, so each class is 90 minutes. So I missed a whole hour of class. That’s okay, I had geometry, and I hate geometry.

So I went to class, got called out of class for therapy, then went back to class, and then left again for girls circle.

And so now I’m bored, and trying to keep my mind off food, and so I’m going to tell you about it. (girl’s circle that is)

So girl’s circle is a group of girls that get called out of class every Friday, and just talk about collage, and futures, and serious stuff, like depression. But we also play fun games and have fun.

And so today we played kind of a game. First we were in a circle and then Beth (the adult in charge) said something, like, “I have a sibling” then we step into the circle, to see what we had in common with other people. And then we got paired up, and then they gave us subjects to talk about, then share with the rest of the group. The first one was what were we embarrassed for, like, a moment in our lives. I told about the time I peed my pants in 2nd grade, (the teacher wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom, and I had the bladder of a squirrel) and then we told about something that we were ashamed of. (I told about my F I got on a Spanish quiz) and then we told about a moment in our lives that we thought we couldn’t do something, but we did. (I told about the American Gothic Parody with a zebra and a flamingo, which I did really good in.)

And then we went back to the table and just talked. First we talked about how was our week, and then something that we were proud of ourselves for this week. For the proud one, I told about fighting my depression, and that I had my first session of Therapy today. They didn’t really say anything, they just sat there and said, “good” I think they were a little shocked.

December: an update

You know how I said that I’m going to try to write 100 blogs for December? Yeah….. I changed my mind. I’m going to write 50. And this is why: I have had my blog since the end of August, and I just made my 100-blog-milestone. And plus I would have to write an average of five blogs a day, so… it’s going to be 50 blogs.

Christmas Fighting

My family is putting decorations on the tree, well, half the family. I'm not, because I'm getting annoyed with two of those people upstairs, my niece and my sister (her mom)

I don't even feel like they're my family anymore. Whenever I try to be nice and say I love you once in a while, they go, "what do you want you fricking weirdo?" and plus, whenever my sister's dog, which she couldn't have afforded in the first place (500 dollar dog...) and this dog, they can't even take care of. They never walk it, and the dog gets into everything, Kleenexes, cardboard, everything, and all they do is sit and laugh as I try to get whatever’s is her mouth out.

And my sister is down here doing homework, and then my dad’s asleep because he has to go to work early. And then my mom is up there helping. All they want me for, is to carry up the Christmas ornaments. Nothing else. Last year I kind of quit because my sister (the same one that is upstairs) called me a bitch, so I got mad and left. And then later my mom yelled at me and forced me to help decorate the tree, and be happy, but I never was that night.

Lonely and Starving

I hate this, being lonely. It’s annoying. Aren’t friends supposed to be there for you, to bring you up when your down? Aren’t friends supposed to always be there for you, and talk to you? Well, I guess I’m a bad friend too, since one of my friend’s friends… (who I find annoying) called me a bad friend, because I haven’t been talking to my friend. Well, you know I haven't been feeling good. I don’t want to talk to people, I want people to talk to me. If they don’t talk to me, then I think that they just really don’t want to, I give up trying to talk to people, unless they start talking to me.

Some of you (you know who you are) have been yelling at me for not eating rarely. And you say that it’s not a good way to lose weight, but loosing weight isn’t all that the problem is, the whole problem is that I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I feel that there are plenty of people out there that are better than me, and are starving to death. I feel that a lot of people, that are way better than me, and prettier than me, are dying from starvation. And so that’s why I’m starving myself, so I’ll kind of give me food to them, even though it probably won’t go to them, but I know how they feel. Only mine is a choice.

But also I have been starving myself for the weight. With Thanksgiving around I really didn’t lose weight, and I feel that I ate too many surgery snacks, a piece of pumpkin pie with cool whip, three or four cookies, and even a few kisses here and there. Whenever I eat, I think to myself, “Why am I eating this stuff, I don’t deserve it!” Then I try to stop eating.

I have decided, and I know some of you will yell at me for this, but I have decided to only have only one meal today: dinner. I am sitting at lunch right now, and there’s no one (you know who you are) forcing me to eat. Yes, I do “eat” lunch with a friend of mine, but we never talk. She kind of tries to make me eat, but only fights me for about 2 seconds, then quits. She will buy me a chip bag or something (which I’ve been eating for the only thing for lunch for about 2 weeks now) that are baked, so they’re healthier than normal chips. But today I refused her offer. She told me that I needed to eat, and put the chips next to her. Then about three minutes later, she asked, “are you sure your not going to eat this?” I nodded, and then she opened the bag, and started eating. My plan worked, I’m not going to eat lunch today.

I really am hungry, and my stomach is hurting because that’s how hungry I am. But it kind of feels like a good kind of pain. I feel that I can actually feel something besides numbness in the world. I have also been putting my belt buckle to the last hole, just to feel that pain. Plus, I hope it makes me look skinnier. I used to be the third to the last hole, but since I’ve been starving myself, that hole is too big, and so then I went to the second hole, and it felt comfortable there. But then a few days later, I decided to go to the last hole. And it leaves red marks on my fatty waist and love-handles when I take it off, but everyday it hurts less and less. I don’t know if it’s because I’m actually getting skinnier, or if it’s just the fact that I’m getting used to the pain.

I only lost about half a pound in the past week, which isn’t good enough for me. I want to weigh at least 140, and right now I weigh 150, I used to weigh, before I started starving myself, 158. That’s almost ten pounds in two weeks. Well, actually I lost it in a week, but then I lost about 1/2 a pound. And I don’t want to gain any of it back.

December

It's here, December. The month of cold weather, sneezing and coughing, and Christmas. I have decided to do a goal for December, that involves you, if you so wish. I am going to try to write 100 blogs just for the month of December.
I know I havn't been blogging lately, and that's because my school netbook (It's like a laptop, only smaller) was broken, and had a virus on it. And so I had to turn it in the libruary, where they "Help" us and "fix" our netbook problems. Well, three weeks past, almost four, and I still didn't heared anything about my netbook. And so then I went in, and they told me that they were still reimaging it, and so then they just gave me a different one, and now I have nothing on here. None of the notes I took at the beginning of the year, none of my projects I worked on, none of the stories and poems I wrote on here.... I really need a flashdrive so I can back-up my stuff.