I was right

You know how that in my last blog, “Taking a Break” how that I am going to try to talk my mom into not letting me go to the girl scout Christmas party today? I was right. She did make me go, and I was right how I thought that I would have a hard time with it. But she said after today I can take a long break from girl scouts.

Okay, so when we first got there, I didn’t want to, and so I just sat on the stage that was in the room, and just watched them from above, until it got started about half an hour later. Then I helped a group of girls go through activities, and the first half I was thinking to myself, “Okay, this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be” and so then it was lunch time, and I kinda upset because I ate my food. But I didn’t cry, no matter how hard it was not to.

But then I was helping the little kids make the lid part for brownie in a jar (a jar with the dry ingredients for brownies, you just add the wet ingredients like eggs and stuff, and then you bake and your done.) But then the person in charge told me to go help then put the stuff in the jars. And I guess she just blew my concentration, because when I went to the next table, I started listening to the voice inside of me, the voice that used to be Josh. And my eyes started watering, and so then I told my mom that I was going to go outside to take a break.

And so I stood outside, with only my sweatshirt (I need to buy a coat…) and just stood in the snow and sleet, and cried. Silently, but I cried.

Twenty minutes later I thought that they needed me kind of, and so then I went in, and I thought I was done crying, but I wasn’t. I continued. And I tried to find work to do, while walking around, brushing my tears off my face for a while. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop listening to myself. And I guess my mom thought that I was just hurting, like physically, not emotionally. Because I asked for pain reliever earlier for my headache (which I have about 2-3 times a day) And so she told me that Bobbi had some pain reliever, and she can give me some if I asked. But I didn’t ask, because she looked busy. But then a few moments later, she called my name, and signaled me go to over there, and so I did, and she did nothing. I thought that she was signaling for me to work, but to tell you the truth, I could barley see because my eyes were blurry from crying. And so then I just sat down, and let my tears fall. I noticed people staring at me, I was probably there crying for about half an hour. But no one really asked me what’s wrong until later. And of course, being the selfish liar I am, I said, “yeah, I’m okay” And they just kept walking.

I felt so ashamed of being there. Especially crying. I thought that the other workers were mad at me that I was sitting, but my hair in front of my face hid my tears. I felt embarrassed, that I was crying. All of my life, especially from teachers, and PE teacher in Elementary school, whenever I cried, they told me to shut up, and stop crying, crying is for babies, and that I should stop acting like one. That’s why I feel so embarrassed crying, because I thought that no body cared if I was crying or not, and if they did care, they just wanted me to shut the fuck up and stop. But that’s how I grew up.