Lonely and Starving

I hate this, being lonely. It’s annoying. Aren’t friends supposed to be there for you, to bring you up when your down? Aren’t friends supposed to always be there for you, and talk to you? Well, I guess I’m a bad friend too, since one of my friend’s friends… (who I find annoying) called me a bad friend, because I haven’t been talking to my friend. Well, you know I haven't been feeling good. I don’t want to talk to people, I want people to talk to me. If they don’t talk to me, then I think that they just really don’t want to, I give up trying to talk to people, unless they start talking to me.

Some of you (you know who you are) have been yelling at me for not eating rarely. And you say that it’s not a good way to lose weight, but loosing weight isn’t all that the problem is, the whole problem is that I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I feel that there are plenty of people out there that are better than me, and are starving to death. I feel that a lot of people, that are way better than me, and prettier than me, are dying from starvation. And so that’s why I’m starving myself, so I’ll kind of give me food to them, even though it probably won’t go to them, but I know how they feel. Only mine is a choice.

But also I have been starving myself for the weight. With Thanksgiving around I really didn’t lose weight, and I feel that I ate too many surgery snacks, a piece of pumpkin pie with cool whip, three or four cookies, and even a few kisses here and there. Whenever I eat, I think to myself, “Why am I eating this stuff, I don’t deserve it!” Then I try to stop eating.

I have decided, and I know some of you will yell at me for this, but I have decided to only have only one meal today: dinner. I am sitting at lunch right now, and there’s no one (you know who you are) forcing me to eat. Yes, I do “eat” lunch with a friend of mine, but we never talk. She kind of tries to make me eat, but only fights me for about 2 seconds, then quits. She will buy me a chip bag or something (which I’ve been eating for the only thing for lunch for about 2 weeks now) that are baked, so they’re healthier than normal chips. But today I refused her offer. She told me that I needed to eat, and put the chips next to her. Then about three minutes later, she asked, “are you sure your not going to eat this?” I nodded, and then she opened the bag, and started eating. My plan worked, I’m not going to eat lunch today.

I really am hungry, and my stomach is hurting because that’s how hungry I am. But it kind of feels like a good kind of pain. I feel that I can actually feel something besides numbness in the world. I have also been putting my belt buckle to the last hole, just to feel that pain. Plus, I hope it makes me look skinnier. I used to be the third to the last hole, but since I’ve been starving myself, that hole is too big, and so then I went to the second hole, and it felt comfortable there. But then a few days later, I decided to go to the last hole. And it leaves red marks on my fatty waist and love-handles when I take it off, but everyday it hurts less and less. I don’t know if it’s because I’m actually getting skinnier, or if it’s just the fact that I’m getting used to the pain.

I only lost about half a pound in the past week, which isn’t good enough for me. I want to weigh at least 140, and right now I weigh 150, I used to weigh, before I started starving myself, 158. That’s almost ten pounds in two weeks. Well, actually I lost it in a week, but then I lost about 1/2 a pound. And I don’t want to gain any of it back.