Diagnosed

I forgot to tell you from my earlier blogs from today: I've been diagnosed with two things when I saw the therapist today: Depression, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, otherwise known as PTSD for short.
PTSD is a disorder where you get flashbacks and nightmares of something horrible (either something that happened once or over and over agian) has happened to you in the past, in my case, bullying.  Avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal– such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. I have almost all of those symptoms. I do have flashbacks and nightmare, I do have problems going to sleep, and I try to shut myself from people as best as I can.
Some of my friends might have realised that inside of school, especially during class, I am shy, and quiet. But outside of school (or at least how I used to be) I was loud and outgoing. That's because I am terrified of trying to make new friends, and that's probably why I don't have very many, is because unless they are left out of the group, then we barely even look at each other, let alone talk to each other. I do not like working in other groups together, because I have past expiriances where they either say no and laugh at me, or if they say yes, they usually make me do all the work, either that or not let me do any of it.
We have also talked about anti-depressant pills, and the therapist did explain that it doesn't make you really happy, it just kinda makes you sleep easier if you have trouble sleeping (In my case, I do) and that she does not recommend having to just be on anti-depressants. She said that we will try the Therapy for a while, and if that still doens't work, then we will put me on anti-depressants.
I have asked for a therapist before, I have asked for one since the sixth grade. But all my dad says is that they won't help me at all, and all they'll do is tell me to fucking live with depression, it's a waste of money. And I don't know if he knows I'm going through therapy, my mom filled out the paper work. And I really do not hope that we have to pay for it, that it will be covered by the insurance, because if we do have to pay, I probably can't have it since it's "a waste of time and money" and that means no anti-depressant pills, and that will probably, in the end, no more life.
I have thought about suicide before, I've thought about it for a really long time. I've had a plan of how I was going to die, how I was going to be burried, even what day of the week that I prefer it on, and what song they'll play at my funural. I've thought of it all. But there are two things that are holding me back right now, one, is Christmas. I do not want to die around Christmas time and then for the rest of my family's and friend's lives, they're whole Christmas will be ruined because every single year they'll think, "Oh, my sister died today two years ago" or "Oh, my best friend died today twenty years ago"
And then the other thing that is holding me back is one paricular friend. I know that she is worried about me, and I also know that she is basically thinking of me 24/7. I also know that she really does care about me, and she really does want me to fight depression, so far that she was willing enough to plan my kidnapping and take me to the councilor (which didn't go as planned, but it still worked) and I know that if I do commit suicide, she will never forgive herself. I know that she will blame herself for my suicide. I know that she will live the rest of her life thinking, "I should of done this" or "I should have done that". And have that feeling of regret and resentment haunting her for the rest of her life.