12-3-11

I have decided to write a blog, hopefully everyday, with the day at the title, and just talk about how my day was, what I’m thinking, what I ate, ect.

I have decided doing this because a lot of my blogs have a title, but only one maybe two paragraphs have to do with that topic, and the rest is just rambling.

Probably the thing most that people are confused about is why I do starve myself. People have been commenting on my blogs and stuff saying that starving myself is not the way to lose weight. But let me tell ‘ya, it’s not only the losing weight part is why I do starve myself, there are many different reasons why I do it. The loosing weight part is just a plus. But I also starve myself because I don’t think that I deserve to eat, a lot of people have gone through just to take it to my plate, from the place they make it, to the shipping, to the putting it on the shelves, and to the cooking, and then too my plate, just too much work just to put something in my stomach, might as well throw it away in the garbage, because I really do truly believe that I’m a waste of space.

Okay, so now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I hope people will understand now that I am not only starving myself for the weight, but also because I just don’t think that I deserve it.

I’m confused. Because up at the voting thing up there, it says that 13 people have voted on it, and that number climbs every once in a while. I only know four of those people, one of which I know put, “This is my first time” because I gave her the link for the first time that day. So that means that there are 9 other people, who I don’t know who they are, reading my blogs, most of them read every time a new blog comes up. I think I know two of those people, someone called Joya or something like that, because she commented on one of my blogs, I believe it’s the naked trees one. And then I think the other one is my Cousin Tanya, because one time she inboxed me on facebook saying that she noticed I’ve been feeling down, and to stay strong. I don’t think I left any obvious things as my status about my depression. So that’s why I think that she just saw one of my blogs I wrote a while ago as my status, probably the one about what is the meaning of life.

My dad has been very irritating today. He tried to touch my feet, which I do not like. I asked him politely to stop, and he didn’t so he pissed me off and I walked away from my nice comfy couch, all nice and warm, watching TV

Then later, I made mac and cheese me me, my mom, and my sister, while my dad and my other sister went to see “Christmas at the Orpheum”  Before he left, he told us that after we are done with the mac and cheese, to don’t leave the pot on the stove. But we (or I guess I) left it there, it’s my fault. I had 1/2 a bowl, and then after that my mom went up for seconds. I should have put it in the sink, it’s my fault. It’s my fault that I went into the game room, instead of taking care of that pan. It’s my fault. Anyways, when he got home, he was complaining how they ( I ) left the pan on the stove, and that whenever he gets home there are always problems.

I feel that most of those, if not all, are my fault. It’s all of my fault that I didn’t take care of that pan, even though my sister and mom got seconds after me, and it’s my fault that I’m upset all of the time. It’s my fault that our money is tight right now. I heard that for people to live, you have to pay at least 10,000 dollars a year to live comfortably in America, with food, and clothes, and the furniture, and just everything all together. If I wasn’t alive, then that would be an extra 10,000 dollars a year for my family, and they wouldn’t be so broke, they would be able to pay for the x-box 360, and a laptop for my sisters, and just a whole ton of stuff. They would live happier. Barely anyone acknowledges me here anyways. They don’t realize me in the room as they turn off the lights.I just feel like I’m invisible, like no one appreciates me, and no one wants to listen to me, and sit down, and actually figure out what’s going on, and ask me how was my day without me lying to them every day. I want a lot a things that I want from my family, that I just don’t get. I want respect for the things I say and do. I want respect of my opinion. But I just don’t feel like I get that here. I feel like I don’t belong. One of my sisters doesn’t care what I do, she doesn’t care that I am pretty much like a mother to her daughter, or her dog, or her cat.

I want everything to be close to equal. I want to feel like I’m not the least favorite, like my life is a mistake. I want to actually have a pet, like my first two siblings did. I want to actually have a winter coat, because I don’t have one. I even want nice deodorant, like my sister. She has the nice smelling, easy-smoothing deodorant that you see all the time in commercials and ads, instead of the cheap, crusty, 2-dollar deodorant that smells like grandmas.

I want my mom to care enough about me to read my blogs, I know that she knows I have one. I even want some of my teachers, and my therapist to read my blogs. (my therapist probably will…) for them to understand the pain I’m going through, to let them know why I’ve been so down lately, to let them know why I just really don’t want to do my work anymore. I want them to care enough to know those things. I want them to read them, every time a new blog comes up. It’s easier to write these things than to say them. Maybe they will realize how much pain I’ve been going through, and how much I’ve been suffering, after I’m gone.