I thought…

I thought that this war ended. I thought that all this bull crap is done and over with. I thought that after 11 years, I could be happy again. I thought that after being “pregnant” for 4 years, I thought that the “baby” would be born by now. I thought that I could be strong, and hold my head up high. I thought that I could survive. I thought wrong.

I cried for a whole two hours today, and now I’m crying again. I know someone out there is going to yell at me for saying this, but I am starving, but don’t think I deserve to eat. To “kill” my baby once and for all, to stab my stomach, and killing it, something that never even existed. Kill something that doesn’t even exist, never did! What a funny thought. But I really, truly want to kill it. I don’t care if you call it murder, I call it a rumor.

You know, the meanest thing that anyone had ever said to me was either, “you’re a piece of shit” or “your pregnant, but HA! too bad your too ugly to even get a guy” most likely the second one, because it stabbed me twice. But that was over a year ago, and it’s been echoing over and over and over again, for the past year, in my head, especially today.

I wonder what’s the longest pregnancy for a human, because if it’s under four years, I would win. I would win the world record for the longest pregnancy, even thought it never existed.

I don’t want to really talk about it, I don’t really want to be noticed. Not today, or probably not for the rest of the week. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to laugh. I just want to sit in a corner, in the background, stabbing my baby, and cry.