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Friday, November 18, 2011

Love

Yes, I have noticed that a lot of my blogs have been depressing lately. And yes, I have also noticed that I have been acting depressed. I will barely even talk, if I do respond to anything, it's just nods and shakes. I don't want to eat, and I have a friend that doesn't understand that. She probably is not reading this, but she's been paying a sandwhich for me for the past 3 days. I don't want to eat. I don't want to say it, and admit it, because I know it's bad. But I'm okay typing it. She doesn't read my blogs, and she doesn't know Josh or any of the other stuff that's been going on.
When me and another friend were talking about it at lunch, she was confused. She doesn't have a link to my blog anywhere on her computer, and I don't even think she knows I have one. But we were talking about Josh.
I think I gave him that name because it's easier to say and type Josh compared to "that voice in my head". I also think I gave him that name because I don't want to admit that I'm saying these things to myself, I'd rather say that someone else is telling them to me. I just hope that no one that would understand will hear that I gave my little voice in my head a name, they might throw me in a mental hosbital for the mentally insane.
I was wondering something today, what is the breaking point of being depressed, and suicidal. Is the breaking point just thinking about suicide; how will you end your life, when, what would you say in your suicide note, who would all show up to your funural, how do you want to be burried, or do you want to be cremated? Or is suicidal just commiting suicide.
Today in the middle of first block, I got a note to go to the cafateria at 9:45. I was worried, I don't know why, but I was. I guess I was worried that someone was worrying about me, and want to kill Josh. And so I went, and it was this group starting at my school called, "Girl's Circle" I just remembered that my coucilor advised that she will sign me up, and I would show up, to help me. It was a while ago, a little over a month. But today was the first meeting.
The people there said that Girl's Circle is going to be fun, and help us with our grades, our attendance, and our strength. I'm okay with the first two- A-B average, almost perfect attendance. But the strength I need to work on. I only knew one girl in the group, who was in my spainish class and the kind of person that cares more about their looks, than their grades. Care more about not looking stupid, than having fun. But the rest of them I never met, or saw before in my life.
Today we played a game, called human bingo. And I actually talked. I talked about my family; how many brothers and sisters I have. And I talked about Larry. I usually say nothing in most classes, and most of the time I count. Mostly all I say is here, if the teacher takes verbal attendance. I gave up asking people to work with me on projects a long time ago. Anyways human bingo is basically a game where you try to find out who you relate to. And Girls Circle is going to be an hour long, every Friday.

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