Walking Home

Today I had to walk home, and in Iowa, it's cold in late November, and I hate the cold. And during my walk, I was crying, because of Josh, and also because I was mad at my dad. He promissed me that if I have such a problem with walking that I could call him, and he would come and pick me up. He broke his promise.
I thought about all the things I would tell him. Tell him that he should just shut up and listen to me, when I tell him all about Josh. But when I was finally home, I just told him to shut up when he tried to tell me hi. I was mad at him.
He knows something is bothering me, he asked me if I got made fun of when I was walking home. I just mummbled no.
I don't want help with Josh, not really. I know that there are people out there that care about me, and want to help me, but I don't know why, but I just really don't want to have it. I guess it's because I don't want to make a scene, having to miss school or something, and everyone talking about me. But it's kind of confusing because I kind of want that, to let them know that rumors and words hurt, and scar people.
Yesterday my dad asked, "are you hurt emotionally or physically?" I told him emotionally. Then he said, "Well, why?" I didn't answer. He wouldn't understand. Sure, I'm pretty sure he's been depressed before. But not like this.
There's like, different kinds of depressions. The depression of money, the depression of mourning someone, the depression of overstress, and then finally, the depression of feeling down all the time, and saying hurtful things to yourself.
I know my friends tell me that I'm beautiful, but it kind of feels like they are kind of forced to say it, to make me feel better about myself. But when you have actually been called ugly, in the face, and when you overhear someone talking, it seems like it means more. They don't care about your feelings. Sometimes they don't even care to see you hurt, they just want to state a fact it seems like.
Do you know what I hate? I hate the kind of jokes that people make saying, "Ooh, if you don't have any friends, or even one friend, you are a looser" I spent most of elementry school (till the fourth grade) with one true friend. And she was in a different grade, so we were barely together, most of the time we didn't even have recess together. And then in the fourth grade she moved. And I had no friends untill the sixth grade, when I went to middle school. Sure, I might have had "friends" you know, the kind of friends that would just say hi to you outside of school, and then act like they don't even know you.