Junk Food

Yesterday I had four cookies, and today I had four nutty bars, and an egg nog latte. I had more than that, but this is just the junk food. And all Josh says is, "fatty". I try to block him out but I can't. All I've basically been doing is sleeping day and night, taking naps, watching TV, doing whatever I can.
I lie everyday. When people at church asked me how was I, I said, "pretty good" or "okay" which is not the truth. My parents can tell I'm upset, from locking myself in the game room, where I usually spend my hours now days. I just sleep and watch TV, even if I don't feel like sleeping, I'm not tired at all, just trying to block Josh out. They also notice me acting upset, keeping my head down, keeping my hair in my face, even the usually outfit- skinny jeans and my purple sweatshirt. Every morning, for about 2 weeks, I wear that uniform. And for about a week, my mom says, "Is that what you're going to wear to school?" and I just say, "yeah".
My hunger pains are not as bad as the beginning of the week, they're less noticeable. But after I eat, especially if I eat a lot, my stomach kind of hurts, like the kind of pain that you're going to throw up. I don't know if it's because I'm upset because I did eat, I do feel like crying, which is why I havn't been wanting to do dishes after the meal, because I have to do it with my sister. She notices that I'm upset also, but she still hasn't read my blogs.
I have been thinking about asking my parents for anti-depressants, and my friend told me that vitinum D helps, but I just get nervous. I get nervous because I don't want anyone else to hear me, I don't want them to see me cry. Especially my sister, Jackie. She doesn't really notice anything that's going on in the house, the dishwasher was broken for about two weeks once, and she didn't even know untill my dad said that it was fixed. She didn't even notice that she computer was broken for about two months untill she heared that it was fixed. And I truthfully don't want her to know about Josh. She judges people a lot. Sometimes she is just like Josh. Telling me that I have no sence in style, and that I eat too much. She doensn't even feel like the family. One time she called me retarded because my other sister was mad at me for something.
I looked in the mirror today, and actually look at myself. I pulled my shirt up, and my pants down, and just really looked at myself, not just a glance like I usually do. And then I started crying, about my "love handles" about my "prego tummy" about my thighs. I couldn't stop. I was silent, but I cried.
I know, people have told me that not eating is not the best choice for loosing weight, but when I think about food, and how people spend seconds, minutes, or hours making it, and then me eating it, it feels like it's a waste, just like throwing food down the garbage. So many people have spent as least one second in their life, on this thing sitting in front of me on a plate.The making of it, the packaging of it, the transporting to the store, they put it on the shelf, someone (usually my mom) buys it, transports it to the house, store it, then cook it. It just seems too much work, just for one meal.
I don't know why I'm typing all this, I almost never talk anymore. I guess it's easier to type it than to speak it, and to hear it come out of my mouth. I cry just typing this, I don't know what's going to happen if I speak it.